So it’s that time of year again, and once again I’m in Korea.  If I were at home, the endless loop of pop stars mangling Christmas carols would make me blind with rage.  But I’m not, so “I’ll be home for Christmas” is more likely to make me burst into tears than into a mall with a machine gun.

Let’s start with a brief overview into why Koreans totally don’t “get” Christmas.  In Korea, Christmas is a holiday for couples.  Two people meet, hit up an Outback Steakhouse, and make their way to a love motel. 

Those who are past the passionate point in their relationship (i.e. people with families) pass on presents and spend the whole day in church.  Yeah, seriously, way to sap all the gluttonous capitalism out of a holiday.

So what can you do this year to avoid a total mental breakdown?  Here are a few ways to keep the humbug away, as illustrated by increasingly creepier holiday cat photos.

Decorate

My favorite part of the holiday season is the gleaming lights and the colors that deck out the usually banal suburban tract homes.  Sure, no one else will be lighting up this holiday season, but that’s no reason not to invest a little cheer in your own shoebox.  Home Plus offers plastic Christmas trees for just 20,000 won and Christmas lights for another 5,000.  Namdaemun market also has its fair share of tiny shops overloaded with pre-decorated plastic trees and strings of lights.  Ornaments, oddly enough, are the most expensive part, but that’s what your school minions are for.  Put the kids to work on an “art project,” making ornaments for your tree and Christmas cards on red and green paper for you hang on a string. 

Get in the Spirit

Sure, most of Seoul looks the same as it always does, but that doesn’t mean that all the shopping areas are immune to the purchasing influence of a little red and green.  If you’re looking to capture that back-home shopping atmosphere, hit up Myeongdong, Namdaemun, and the larger shopping centers in Dongdaemun.  They are the perfect place to view some splendid decorations and enjoy that cramped Christmas shopping feeling we all miss so much.

Get Some Spirits

Ok, so Egg Nog is out, but that doesn’t mean you can’t imbibe a festive holiday spirit.  My personal favorite is mulled wine with a genius Korean twist.  Start with your rice cooker and pour in 1-2 bottles of red wine and some water (about one or two cups).  Set the rice cooker to “cook” and wait until the wine comes to a boil.  Set the rice cooker to “warm” and add a couple cups of sugar (to taste, as different wines need different amounts of sugar) and a sprinkle of nutmeg and cinnamon (both spices are available in the baking section of any major grocery store).  The rice cooker will keep your mulled wine hot all night!

Second best: buy mint syrup off of Gmarket and some hot chocolate and soju from any mart.  Instant boozy mint hot chocolate!

Eat Some Korean-Style “Turkey”

In case you didn’t know it, I can’t help but be in love with Korea.  And my number one new favorite Korean thing is The Best Korean Food of All Time, which happens to be a lot like a stuffed turkey but is a million times more delicious.  Yes, my first love, turkey, I have betrayed you.

May I introduce to you, oven-baked duck!  Stuffed with black rice, sweet potato, and cooked forever a lot like a turkey.  Only, the meat is 1,000 times tenderer.  It literally melts in your mouth.  I took a group of non-believers for a Thanksgiving substitute and everyone was convinced.  The easiest way to find a duck restaurant near you is hit up your co-workers or check out this super famous chain restaurant: http://www.oriwachamgae.co.kr/.  Just point to the thing on the menu that looks like a turkey (유황 오리).  Pass on the BBQ, it’s a poor substitute for the main event.

Get Out and About

Lastly, there’s lots of things going on all over town to get you in the spirit.  You can go ice skating at the Mokdong ice rink, Lotte World, or near Gwanghwamun palace, or you could hit up one of the amusement parks to see all their Christmas hoopla.  There’s also a German Christmas market coming up this Friday, Saturday and Sunday for those who prefer a little European flair (http://global.seoul.go.kr/seongbuk/).

Sometimes you just have to make your own festivities.  Now, enjoy the creepiest photo of all, and happy holidays, nerds!

The horror.  Maybe skipping this holiday isn't the worst idea...

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