A Cuppa Koko presents advice on opposite-sex friendships in Korea!

Dear Cuppa Koko,

I have been seeing a Korean woman for a few weeks.  We are both in our early twenties. Though I like her very much and I enjoy her company, I can tell that this woman is not quite right for me.  She seems like a great candidate to be a friend, since we enjoy spending time together and we learn a lot from each other, but I have heard that opposite-sex friendships are not so common in Korea.  

It is hard for me to tell whether she sees our relationship developing into a romance or more of a friendship, so it's getting to the point where I want to kindly send signals that I am only interested in being friends.  If the need be I will be specific and explicit about it.  Is this likely to end things entirely between us, or is it feasible for men and women to be just friends?  Any insight would be appreciated, thank you, sincerely,ㅋㅋ

“Friend Zone” in Seoul

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Dear Friend Zone,

When people say that opposite-sex friendships in Korea are hard to come by, it’s the truth.  In the mini-focus group I call my adult students, six out of six voted that it’s impossible to have a friend of the opposite sex because there’s always a chance it could turn sexual, even when I bated them with the possibility of a 400 pound lady with a beard.  There’s ALWAYS a chance!  So, as two single people alone together, her default cultural view suggests that you’re probably interested. However, this doesn’t mean that your friend feels this way.  Think carefully about her mindset and ask yourself, “How Korean is she?” on a scale of “If you’re sick you should stop eating bread” to “I might try weed if I went to America.”  If she is the latter, treat her like any of your foreign lady friends, though this type of relationship cannot last forever.  I have one male friend here who I’d call a foreigner at heart, but that’s not a perfect relationship either: whenever he gets a girlfriend we don’t hang out at all.  So even if your friend is culturally open-minded enough to be just friends, she’ll have to sweep you under the rug as soon as she picks up a traditionally-minded boyfriend.  

Try to hang out with her more often in group contexts where she is unlikely to confuse your attentions.  As a part of a group, it’s much more acceptable for you to be friends and you’re likely to secure a spot on her friend roster in the event of a boyfriend.  And, in case she’s worried about your bread intake, group meetings will keep her romantic feelings at bay.  That is, if your friends talk about their lack of personal hygiene as much as mine do.

That’s my thinking,
Togerty

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Oh Friend Zone, I gotta agree with Togerty, though; if you think she’s not right for you as your boo, think a little harder and glean if she’s down to be friends. Because there are some Korean girls out there who are happy in having foreign friends, but have to keep that life separate when work, play or dating with other Koreans comes into play. Even if she’s great at English (or you’re good at Korean), it’s hard to bridge that cultural divide of girls and guys hanging out together, unless you’re downing soju and cramming for exams or she’s tagging an overpass with “I LIVED IN PARIS, B**CHES” (or is that me?).

But look, the first step is TALK TO HER. And be honest with her that you’re not interested in a relationship, and want her to be super chingus with you. If you’re not ready for that *bum bum bum*-kinda chat, bring her around your wayguk circle, and see what she’d be like as part of the gang. Just remember: your friends are a reflection of you, and chances are she’s not a degenerate, so... just tell the crazy friends to stay in (there’s one in EVERY group). Also remember that it is ingrained in Korean culture that boys and girls hang out with the same-sex on the norm. If you’re hanging out with ladyfriend all the time, you’re probably dating her, or that’s what all the boys in high school uniforms are going to be shouting at you and her (something like “HEY MIN-WOOK! STOP STEALING MY PENCIL! *SLAP SLAP SLAP* *...pause... stare...* HEY, ARE YOU DATING?! GIRLFRIEND!” *meanwhile I take a Valium*). Essentially, invite her out with your /sane/ friends and see how well she does under the pressure of hanging with foreigners before you ask her about your chemistry. Because one-on-one time with a Korean girl-space-friend can be tricky for her, and you don’t want to step on toes. <3,
Excel

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Got a question about love? Work? Play? Is it somehow related to Korea? Now you have our attention. Write us at cuppakoko at gmail.com, or leave us a voicemail on Skype, username: cuppakoko. We might just read it in our weekly video or *gasp* call you back!

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